When your heart breaks, who fixes
it?
Guest writer: Lea Galimba
September 2015
It’s funny how much time I wasted getting control of everything in my
life, how sometimes I hold back words for fear of exposing myself too
well. And when you’re exposed, all those
fault lines you were trying to hide will show and that only means trouble and
pain. In a split second, everything changed, so fast, that I did not even have
time to blink.
And just like that, my whole world turned upside down, inside out.
You can tell me right now that it’s not the end of the world and that
there are a lot of fishes in the sea but, let me be the one to tell you this: there
is so much more to say about the one who’s left behind, the one who will pick
up the pieces while nursing a broken heart.
The big question is: when your heart breaks, who helps you fix it?
Now that I think about it, there really are lessons that can’t be
taught. They simply have to be learned and more often than not, they have to be
learned the hard way.
I have always been a hard nut to crack, ask anyone close to me and
they’ll confirm it. I don’t go around telling people about what I think, what I
want and what I’m going through. I keep it all in. I mourn alone. I cry alone.
I pick up the pieces and never look back.
I guess those were the reasons why I got into exploring mountains. You
see, in more ways than one, mountains became a friend. They let me see things
about myself that I probably wasn’t able to had I not been broken and turned to
climbing.
My first mountain made me realize that patience is indeed, a virtue. You
can’t reach the summit right away. You have to walk and sweat and brave the
unknown. You have to feel every single bloody sweat because then, you will be
reminded that you’re taking the first step to recovery. And there’s no shortcut
for that. There’s no easy way to heal. You need a lot of patience.
Mountains have that uncanny way of making you focus on yourself. Your
strength and weaknesses. Your flaws. This is my most favorite part about
climbing. While you’re out there conquering the most difficult trail, you have
the quiet time to reflect about your life and, by doing that; you begin to
understand yourself more and at the same time acknowledging the fact that you
are not perfect. In fact, you’re far from being perfect. You’re human. And you
begin to embrace that.
After my third mountain, I’m starting to like the pain that comes with
climbing. It made me feel vulnerable but stronger. Broken but not hopeless.
Scarred but experienced. Disappointed but loved. By this time, I have mastered
the art of accepting. And by that, I meant I have accepted the truth that he
will never be back. That he decided to go on with his life without me in it.
In one of my climbs, I remember shrinking and panicking when I have to
go down a steep boulder. I got so scared that I can feel my heart pumping in my
ears, it’s as if my body is suddenly too small for my skin. But that’s the thing:
when you climb a mountain, you learn to face your demons head on. You learn to
fight back your fears. You learn to just suck it all up and take your chance.
You learn to trust yourself. You learn to pray and have faith. I cannot find
the right words to describe that feeling when you put everything on the line
and just go for it. I guess it’s everything you have ever wanted and needed
after going through so much pain.
And then there’s the summit.
The first time I reached the summit, I cried. I cried like hell. I cried
like it was the last time I’m doing it. I cried until I ran out of breath.
Until, I ran out of tears.
And then I felt better. The mountains helped me feel better.
Reaching the top is liberating. It’s exhilarating and rewarding.
It’s not just about the unobstructed view or the way the cool breeze
kisses your cheeks. It’s not even about why you were there in the first place.
I think it’s more about the obstacles and the pain you went through before you
reached the summit that gives you a bittersweet memory.
Every climb is a reminder that it’s alright to fail at something. It’s
perfectly fine to have your heart broken. Mountains taught me that there’s
always that extra strength within us that we can use when everything seems all
messed up. Just when you thought you couldn’t take anything more, you can
always use that extra strength to fight your battles.
So you can take a chance again.
And then one day, I bumped into him……
